how to stop being an asshole

How to Stop Being an Asshole Without Losing Self-Respect

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How to stop being an asshole.

If you have any hope of being a real man, nothing in this post will offend you irreparably. Meaning, suck it up. You need to hear this and you know it. I do not apologize for being the messenger. It’s a privilege that I am honored to fulfill. 

Are you ready to learn how to stop being an asshole?

I hope so because you’re about to discover the master key to the asshole lock. Take the key and release yourself if you dare. It’s that simple. 

If you’re not ready, however, your panties are about to get all bunched up. And in such a state of genitalic constriction, you’ll write me angry emails that demonstrate what a fragile damsel in distress you truly are. So I hope you’re ready. But just in case you’re not, FYI, I will only laugh at your email and hysterically pity you. 

I have no sympathy for hopeless assholes. It’s the ones with a glimmer of hope for recovery that I am committed to helping, even if it means writing posts like this one. 

Bottom line:

Assholes don’t have self-respect. 

That’s the missing piece.

You might think you need to learn how to stop being an asshole but don’t want to lose your dignity and let people walk all over you. You might honestly claim that by being an asshole you are protecting your manhood. The newsflash is that if you’re an asshole, you never had any self-respect or dignity to begin with. That’s why you act like such a piece of shit at the slightest provocation. 

That’s why everyone secretly hates you. 

This the good news. You have nothing to lose. The “self-respect” you thought you had was a self-aggrandizing fantasy designed by your unconscious mind to protect you from the awful truth. I hope you are ready to hear it right now

You don’t respect yourself or anyone else. You live in a self-perpetuating cycle of fear and blame; a void of chronic emptiness and character-weakening self-pity. 

In other words…

It sucks to be you. 

But that’s good! The only way to go is UP! 

BTW and for whatever it’s worth, I’m sincerely sorry for whatever you have been through in life that has contributed to you being a committed asshole. You may even have a ton of money and status, but you and I both know you feel, deep down, like a piece of shit. I’m sorry for that. I truly am. And I get it more than you might suspect. 

Usually, the basis of asshole-dom is emotional trauma. Again, I’m sorry for your pain. I probably understand your pain better than you do because I’ve spent a lifetime understanding mine and you’ve probably spent your life running from yours and punishing others for it. I’m truly sorry for the loss of your innocence; the loss of your true self. 

And now you’re trapped in a never-ending cycle of asshole. So let’s get on with it. 

Here’s how the cycle of asshole works. 

The typical asshole thinks like this: I must be respected. I deserve to be treated a certain way. If you don’t treat me with respect; if you disagree with me or rub me the wrong way, I will launch into asshole mode to punish you to preserve my self-respect. 

This next piece is going to be impossible for the dyed-in-the-wool asshole to understand. But if you get it, there is hope for you.

You’re more interested in defending your right to be an asshole because asshole is the only move you’ve got. You’re like a toddler who only knows to throw a tantrum. 

Therefore, you feel 100% justified in being loud and rude and violent or whatever. Justified. This means, of course, you’re being a total dick and actually believe you’re right

Look what they did! How could you NOT be a dick under these circumstances, right? 

Do you realize how stupid this makes you? 

Everyone around you sees it. Do you? 

You go through life blaming others for your in-the-moment dick-dom while you’ve been a dick for as long as you or anyone else can remember. Ironically, do you know what else this whole charade makes you? 

A pussy. A weak-willed wimp that defines himself by what others think and do. By what you think others think of you. More often than not, your thoughts are wrong because they come from your assholeness. 

A real man does not let others define him or control his actions. But you. You blame everyone else for the fact that you’re an asshole. You poor thing. Others are controlling what you are. If they were nice, would you be a nice boy? So you say. 

You might hang your hat on being a rebel.

If you think this guy is a badass, remember, it’s not you when you’re an asshole.

A typical rebel hates authority and catering to expectations. He thinks he’s a badass who shouldn’t be told what to do. He’s large and in charge! Not. The irony is palpable with this one. Rebels claim they don’t like to be controlled. Yet, their behavior invites every form of control. 

Imagine a manager in a business, standing in front of ten employees. Nine of the 10 are basically cooperative and do their jobs. The tenth is a rebel who hates being told what to do. The King of Non-Compliance! Which employee ends up getting micro-managed? Which one does the manager need to monitor? The rebel. 

Rebels refuse to cooperate and end up encouraging others to intervene. They rebel again. Others must intervene again. If the rebel were more cooperative, he’d be left alone to do whatever he agreed to do. 

In other words, if you’re one of those rebellious assholes…

You secretly need to be controlled.

You’re inviting others to monitor you to make sure you keep agreements. This dynamic is so painfully obvious to everyone around you. But you probably don’t see it, do you? You may even believe you’re a rebel because others are so damn controlling. And there you go again. It’s not your fault, you keep telling yourself. But you know it is. 

Because YOU are the only one who determines what you are. But you are too ignorant and unaware to know that, aren’t you? It’s so convenient for you to shirk the self-responsibility for your own emotional state and blame someone else for what you’ve become. You’ll never stop being an asshole unless you get this.

And let me guess…

The person you blame – the one who gets under your skin – is it a woman? 

Do you treat women like shit? Does she push your buttons? Are you giving her that much control over your own nervous system? What kind of man gives a woman the power to dictate his feelings and behavior? A weak-willed, dependent momma’s boy. Angry because momma took her tit away? That’s probably you. No offense. 

I wanted more of my momma’s tit, too. Now…anger. Infantile anger. Blinding rage because some mother figure won’t give you what you want. Yet, I digress. 

The first step in becoming a man is to own your manhood. The moment you own your emotions and stop putting your shit on other people, the more mature you become. But dudes who don’t know how to stop being an asshole won’t know what to make of this, so I will show you what to do, step by step. 

How to Stop Being an Asshole, Step by Step

By the way, this post isn’t going to fix anything for you. It’s just information. Damn good information, but it won’t reach into your soul and heal the damage. Only you can do that. And you’ll need more help than I can offer with my keyboard.

You need help outside help. In the meantime, follow these three steps.

Step 1: Own it.

Say to yourself, over and over. I am responsible for my feelings and actions. 

Feel like you’re in kindergarten yet? Don’t worry, it’s worse than that. Many kindergarten students already understand more than you. So let go of any shred of false dignity you have left. It doesn’t help to hang onto the lies you’ve been telling yourself. You’re an emotional infant. Accept it. You have to start somewhere. 

But if you manage to hang onto the thought that NO ONE other than you is responsible for your feelings, you’re onto something. It’s a BIG start. Congrats!

Step 2: See the cycle.

Slow down, write it down. Think of any incident when your inner asshole got the best of you. Write.

  • What happened?
  • How did I blame (other person0?
  • Why, really, did I blame this person?
  • How are my emotions, in this case, my responsibility?
  • If I were more mature, how would I have responded?
  • What can I do right now to make things right?

Step 3: Express Every Emotion Maturely

Anger is not off-limits. A lot of people who are learning how to stop being an asshole to their friends and family think that somehow anger is a bad thing. It’s not. It alerts you to injustice.

Deal with the injustice in a mature way. Express anger – maturely. Don’t let yourself be taken advantage of – deal with people firmly and with compassion. 

If you were to give up your toddler anger, you would NOT be trampled upon by others. You can still make your case, represent your wants and needs. Better yet, when you stop being an asshole, man up, and clearly state your point of view, others will tend to respect you. 


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