shouldn't kill myself

I Shouldn’t Feel Like Killing Myself

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Why would I want to kill myself? I mean, I should be so happy! So full of self-esteem. I have a great life and, honestly, nothing is wrong. I should be fine. 

But I’m not. I feeling like killing myself. Why? 

And then I got some sage insight from a mentor, who said something like the following. 

None of us are integrated people. We all have various aspects of our personalities. This is normal. So….

One part of you wants to kill you.

You don’t want to kill you. A part of you wants to die. Eavesdropping on this part of you will yield some dark and scary thoughts. It’s miserable. This part of you may live an intolerable life. 

You are living a tolerable life. Your life is OK. You are OK. This part of you is suffering – seriously suffering. And it doesn’t make sense to you because you’re OK and you are not taking this part of you into account. 

You’re not listening to it because you’re afraid of it. You fear that if you listen to this miserable part of you that it will take over your psyche. That’s understandable. 

But that’s not true.

It won’t take over if you listen to it. It might take over if you continue to ignore it. Trepidation. Anxiety. Discomfort. A sense of dread. This part of you is bleeding dark emotions all over the inside of you. 

And you are pretending there is no blood. And the more you pretend you’re not hurt, the more you will bleed internally. 

This sounds gruesome and it is. Even worse, it’s what most of us do to ourselves throughout life. Can we find it within ourselves to stop, turn a compassionate ear inward and listen to the hurt, long-suffering, victimized parts of ourselves?

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