The Mess in my Head

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Part of me is traumatized. It screams:

  • I didn’t do anything wrong!
  • Why is this happening?
  • It’s not my fault!

I don’t know what to call this part of my psyche. A howling child. The devasted part of me. It’s a bundle of pain that is trapped beneath the surface. When it comes out, I feel that pain – as if I am launched back into reliving the abusive days of my youth. So, there is a screaming, howling, writhing, trapped and helpless splinter of my psyche buried within me.

I don’t live out my days in consciousness of this part. I keep it down. I don’t want, I suppose, to deal with it. This is where other parts of my psyche come in.

I have a therapist part. The therapist attempts to use healing techniques to feel better. But it backfires. The techniques don’t reach the howling part. It’s in pain but so repressed that it doesn’t come to the surface often enough to “receive treatment.”

And the therapist part of me seems to be more concerned with coming off as a wise therapist. To the therapist, problems need to be therapized away. And if we have problems, it means it isn’t a very good therapist. Not functional.

And then there’s the Gatekeeper to the howling part. It’s a part of me that wants to keep the howler down, in exile. In fact, this “non-joiner” part of me wants to avoid everything. Pain and people – because people lead to more pain. Keep the pain at bay. Avoid connecting to people in general because they are fucking assholes who will only cause more pain. The non-joiner part.

And then there’s “Just Me.” This is my main part – who I am. I can handle all this when I am conscious of Just Me. No worries. I compassionate toward my hurt parts and wise enough to manage everything. But….

The non-joiner has a will of its own. Parts are like subpersonalities. You cannot control them, try as you might.

And so I get to know the non-joiner and earn its trust – not because of any agenda other than that alone. I want this part of my psyche to trust me because I am trustworthy toward it. After years of struggling to manipulate myself into change, I am ready to let go and just be with myself as no one ever has. I want to love myself and let everything else go.

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