what do I want

What do I want? One stupid thing…

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What do I want? My whole life I’ve only wanted one thing…..something else.

It doesn’t matter what I’m doing. Could be that on certain occasions I enjoy a particular thing, as long as it’s not what I am currently doing. Pretty fucked up. Seriously – because it ruins your life, this grass is greener syndrome.

Check this out. I started a business that makes more than 1M/yr. But what do I spend my time doing? Working on websites that make .02/day with Adsense. They’re somehow more interesting to me. Not because they’re actually more interesting than my main business. They’re just different.

What do I want? How could I really know?

It takes me around 15 minutes to lose interest in something. TV shows, books, conversations, ideas….15 minutes is all I give them before I get bored and start looking for the next 15-minute fix.

It’s like a script in my brain runs over and over. Same pattern. I am not content to just settle in on something and enjoy it for the long-term. I’d rather spend my life wondering what I’m missing out on. FOMO, they call it. Fear of Missing Out. It’s an old sales trick. The world is constantly hooking me with this bit.

Whose fault is it?

What I want is my responsibility. But that’s not very interesting, is it? I’d rather focus on advertising. Consumer culture! To sell you more shit, they are constantly parading around new things that we must have. Whatever you’ve got, they send a barrage of marketing messages that you’re missing out if you don’t have the new thing that replaced that thing you just bought. There’s always some newer, higher-tech, higher status, bigger, better, faster thing that you feel like a piece of shit for not having.

And we blindly follow along. Duh/ I have to get the cordless leaf blower! I’m sick of schlepping this 100-foot extension cord around my yard just so I can blow the grass off the sidewalk! I shouldn’t have to deal with this stupid cord!

Visions of me galavanting around the yard, free to blow in whichever direction I want because my leaf blower is cordless! Oh but wait, they have one with a stronger battery! Damn. Why didn’t I get the one that blows for 10 minutes longer between charges?

And away we go.

Oh, and the shoulds…

Even more fucked up is not just wanting to do something else (constantly) but believing that you should be. I hop on the treadmill to get my thirty minutes of walking in. (You need a treadmill for that).

Within a few minutes I start feeling agitated, like I’m neglecting other things that I really should be doing. Not true. My walk is scheduled. I’m fine. In fact, the best use of that treadmill time is to actually walk for the full 30 minutes. I can do that. I’m not so out of shape and I need to exercise. No problem!

But my brain has other ideas. At about minute 9 I am so full of anxiety that I have to step off and go pretend to do something important, which lasts for a few minutes before losing interest.

What do I want, really?

Peace of mind. Here’s the thing about peace of mind. You’ve got to get it for yourself in spite of what consumer culture preaches. Peace of mind doesn’t come by immersing yourself in American culture. Our culture wasn’t set up to encourage inner peace. It was set up to fucking scare us into buying more stuff.

I’m sitting here thinking I should become a minimalist but I know better. That’s just another idea that will lose its luster very, very soon. But probably not until after I sell all my precious stuff.

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